Who are yer? The club
St Pauli is more than any old club. They're one hell of a club, where every game is an experience and makes you fall back in love with football again.
It's not the most successful club on earth. In fact, it's not one of the most successful in northern Germany. 
It's only ever sampled life in the Bundesliga top flight once in the seventies and a few magical years in the nineties.
In fact it's frequently dipped into the third flight, as recently as 2006.
So it's not results that make St Pauli special. It's become a cult team with massive crowds for its level and a worldwide fan base in the millions.
Somewhere in the 1980s it adopted cult status - attracting a left-leaning following in contrast to the neo-nazi hooligans who threatened to bring European football to its knees.
The fact it's slap bang in the middle of the Reeperbahn, one of the party capitals of Europe, doesn't hurt.
The fans brought with them a party atmosphere. Going to a game actually has more of the feel of an outdoor rock concert - the party is going on outside the ground well before kick off with rock music blaring out and a real party atmosphere in full swing.
Gates in the early 80s were under 2,000 - now more than 20,000 pack the rickety old ground (set for a refit) and there are links throughout the world, most notably with Celtic with numerous visits between the two.
Enjoy the game: Watching football the best way possible (Picture DS).
St Pauli is a much needed contrast to the corporate way football's going. It's fun, it's wild and it's football following how it's supposed to be. Go and enjoy.
Where do you come from? The Millerntor
In a country with some of the most modern and plush stadiums in the world the Millerntor is a throwback to the golden days of watching football.
Which if you're in your 30s was the 70s and 80s I guess. Although admittedly a lot of the football then was a bit rubbish. But they were golden days before our beautiful game sold its soul for money. I'm off again...

Packed terraces: The old main stand at the Millentor.
The Millerntor is set in a timewarp and long may it stay that way.
There is terracing on three sides, including the main stand which has a dozen rows of seating at the back. TV cameras perch on gantries on the roof.
To the left, past the big screen, is the south end and the only major new structure, the south stand which hosts the poshest seats and executive boxes.
This stand rises high above the ground but thankfully the fankurve
below remains, its fans belting out most of the songs that the rest of
the ground follows.
The new bit: The new south stand at the ground.
Opposite the main stand is a one tiered seating stand with visitors housed in the far right hand side.
On the right (north) end a very temporary looking bank of seats are behind the open terrace. These are perched on scaffolding above the kiosks behind the terrace and one benefit is it allows footstamping which goes on whenever St Pauli go forward.
With the terracing all open it's not the loudest of grounds but that hard core fans do belt out the chants as loud as they can making for a cracking atmosphere.
Before kick off an amazing giant flag unfurls across the entire Sudkurve Terrace - and win or lose, the fans serenade the team towards full time with You'll Never Walk Alone. Throw in that classic german song - We Love St Pauli, we do - and you feel the nostalgia for the english ground of 30 years ago.
Check out my video of the St Pauli fans in full voice here:
We're on our way: Getting to the ground
Finding the ground really is about as easy as it gets.
Take the S1 (yellow line) from the Hauptbahnhof Sud - the displays mention if they go to St Pauli, as well as the wonderfully named Schlump station.
Get off the train at St Pauli. Walk up the stairs. The stadium right in front of you (well, 400 yards away across the car park) is the Millerntor. See, it really is that easy.
It's that close: The floodlights as seen from St Pauli station.
If you're drinking in the Reeperbahn head away from Reeperbahn station and turn left.. you'll soon spot the South stand or the floodlights. You have to get a picture alongside the giant St Pauli logo on the walk up to.
Who ate all the pies? Eating and drinking
Many grounds in Germany are in the middle of of a veritable drinks desert, with only the stadium offerings to quench your thirst.
Being a stone's throw from one of the busiest bar districts in Europe means that St Pauli doesn't suffer from that problem. The Reeperbahn, Hamburg's famous red light district, is only 400 yards from the turnstiles and there are ample places to grab a pre-match beer.
As well as numerous german options the London Pub serves up english and german games on the big screens, plus the full range of english beers.
Several bars operate outside the ground, notably at the southern end and also at the entrance to the Nordkurve (around and to your right) with Aster on tap for 3.50 euros.
Grab a juice - or a burger: Half time grub.
Inside the choice is impressive. In the north end food and drink stalls line the gangways behind the stand with the range extended beyond bratwursts and beer to include fish rolls and juices.
Bag a seat: Buying a ticket
Big support, nationally and internationally, combine with St Pauli's limited capacity - around 23,000 - to mean most games are virtual sellouts.
You can buy tickets on the day - they are on sale from the Kasse windows in the south stand.
However, if you want to be sure it's worth booking online at the club website. You can navigate the ticketing section or simply email the club and ask for tickets in a certain place and they'll oblige, they speak good english. Tickets are then posted recorded delivery and usually arrive on your doormat in the UK within three or four days.
If you want tickets on the terrace you may want to get in touch with the Fanladen, the club's supporters club, who can sort this out for you. You can find out about this by signing up to the St Pauli UK fans website - click here.
Grab a souvenir: Club store
Barcelona may sell more shirts, and so do Man U - but there are few clubs that can match the style of St Pauli.
The beautifully decked out club store in the new south stand contains a wealth of St Pauli merchandise which is just about the coolest football gear you'll find around.
You've got the brown kit for a start - then, when mixed in with the black and white skull and crossbones theme and a healthy dose of St Pauli attitude stirred in, there's leisurewear that would grace every occasion. And a blow up plastic guitar.

Top gear: The St Pauli club shop.
Check out the coolest online football store by clicking here.
If you want to avoid the matchday queues there's also a fair selection of St Pauli gear in the Sports store next to the Hauptbahnhof (southern end). You can also pick up a few bits through departures at the airport.